Smiling at work

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When you are at work, generally, that is the time that you show your best self. You may be more talkative than you usually are; you may extend help to others even when you don’t feel like it; but most likely, you are smiling at co-workers and customers/clients throughout the day. What does it mean when someone does not smile at work? When you consider the question, contemplate the following: the employee is not rude or unprofessional, the employee is communicative, but they just don’t smile. If you work with that person, would that bother you? Would you think negatively about this person? Also consider, when co-workers approach the individual they are personable, they may even smile at some point during the conversation, but otherwise, the individual is quiet and does not smile.

Would you think the person is rude or that they are in some way unprofessional? What if you were supervising this employee? Would you rate them negatively because they did not walk around the organization smiling? Would it matter depending on the race of the employee? There are often stereotypes attached to black women in the workplace based from assumptions related to everything about her from her chosen hairstyle to whether or not she smiles.

Years ago, I worked in an office environment and I was receiving an annual evaluation. The evaluation was nearly perfect. I came in to work regularly and on-time, I was helpful, I took on additional duties, there was nothing wrong with the work performance, in fact the only blemish was that I did not smile and ‘appeared stoic’. I was confused that this was the sole reason that my supervisor (a White woman) provided as justification to give me a less than favorable evaluation. I immediately thought back to another manager in the department, (an Asian woman) who walked past me nearly everyday and she never spoke. In fact, I could count on one hand how many times she spoke to me in a year. It didn’t bother me until I was sitting across from my supervisor being ‘dinged’ on an evaluation for not smiling and one of the managers in the work unit didn’t smile, nor speak very much to anyone from what I could tell. I can recall thinking, how can smiling be such an issue when a manager, a representative of the work unit did not embody this same standard that was being applied to me? From their example alone, clearly smiling did not seem to be a standard in this organization.

When I offered this manager as an example, I was told by the supervisor ‘that’s just who she is’? I was again confused and taken aback at the assumptions that were being made about me but also the Asian woman who was essentially her equal in terms of organizational structure. There was an assumption that I was upset, possibly angry, withdrawn and unapproachable because I did not smile, but another employee of a different ethnicity was assumed to be quiet, reserved and a natural extension of her personality. What I saw this as was the supervisor attributing her own stereotypical beliefs of Black and Asian women to something as simple as a smile. The supervisor did not consider that I was a young employee who was quiet and conscientious but instead a woman with an attitude that was off-putting to the rest of the work unit, but the Asian woman who did the exact same thing was given the benefit of the doubt that her demeanor was cultural and therefore something that could not be criticized.

Why were two different standards applied to what (at least on the surface) appeared to be the same type of worker? Two workers who were quiet and did not smile in the workplace often, but the Black woman has an attitude and the Asian woman is quiet because culturally the supervisor made the assumption that Asian women are quiet. Even if my supervisor at the time did know the other manager and she was in fact a quiet person, that still does not answer why she did not know that I was quiet as well. So this begs the question, what’s in a smile?

What is it about a Black woman constantly smiling in the workplace that makes some people more comfortable with her than if she were a Black woman who did not smile often in the workplace? How many Black woman have had this experience of negative character traits being applied to them based on stereotypes and not who they really are as people? What does this do to everyone involved? I can say that I was left feeling upset that I was misunderstood, angry that it was on record that I was not personable (when in fact nearly all my direct interactions with people were pleasant and professional), and frustrated because I was not sure what to do next.

Ultimately, I knew this was not the place for me career-wise, but until I was able to transition myself to a better opportunity, I had to continue to work in an environment in which there were assumptions being made about my character that I felt were based in stereotypes. This is a similar experience for many Black women in the workplace and it is something that should be addressed. Stereotypes and microaggressions in the workplace affect not only the target, but the person projecting onto the target and potentially other employees who may witness this dynamic.

I’ll be sharing some tools I’ve found helpful in managing your own emotions and mental health when working with microaggressions and stereotypes in the workplace in future posts. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

How is the mental health of society?

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Mental health issues, is a broad term used often to describe the personal “ills” of an individual, or it can also be used to describe a series of incidents or situations one can encounter that can negatively affect their behaviors, thoughts, or actions. Merriam-Webster defines mental health as, “the condition of being sound mentally and emotionally that is characterized by the absence of mental illness and by adequate adjustment especially as reflected in feeling comfortable about oneself, positive feelings about others, and the ability to meet the demands of daily life.” With a general understanding of what is mental health and an understanding of how mental health issues are generally defined, the question then is how is the mental health of this society? Is this country mentally “healthy” or does this country have some “mental health issues?”

If there are some issues, what are they? Here’s another question, is it a mental illness on the part of this country to have separate realities for citizens based on race, finances, social status, gender, religion, etc.? Is that even considered a mental illness, or is it considered a way of life? Who considers it a way of life? Could it be said that the individual who believes these occurrences are just a way of life is suffering from a mental illness?

There are different realities for individuals in this country and they are based primarily in race. The differences can deviate from race and extend to other superficial factors like how much money or access to money an individual may have, or the level of celebrity status of an individual, and the list could go on, but the overall concerns is that everyone does not get even the option of certain realities and that is based on superficial standards set a very long time ago.

These standards are part of what make up our society. Merriam-Webster defines society, in part, as “a community, nation, or broad grouping of people having common traditions, institutions, and collective activities and interests.” What are the standards of this society and who decided all our interests are common or collective in that most of us generally agree? How have we become so desensitized to the inequities that we now simply shrug them off as the norm?

We are in a unique time in history where these inequities are being called out, but real action to change how things are being done must occur. We should be beyond pointing these things out and compelled to stop the behavior, stop allowing the thinking to be the standard. An individual’s race should not determine whether leniency and mercy are granted in court, or less scrutiny of work performed, and certainly not whether an individual lives or dies during what is considered a “routine” interaction with a member of law enforcement or, in some cases, another member of the public.

How do you make the change? The first is acknowledging that the thought is there? Recognizing the emotion and being honest about where it is coming from because this is an exercise of being in a constant state of awareness of those biases, judgments, and assumptions. There is a term that is often used in the study of psychology and that is cultural competence. How culturally competent is this society? What is the gauge used to determine whose standard should be followed?

There needs to be a shift in the level of accountability for everyone in society. No one should receive the consideration of leniency or mercy that is not given to someone else in a similar situation. The thought needs to be why is there a consideration of mercy or leniency for one person and not someone else, if you are looking at the circumstances of the situation and not the individual?

What does special considerations like these do to the mental health of society? Are the people well, or have many accepted certain dated customs and practices because of either personal gain, lack of faith in their individual ability to effectuate change, or an acceptance of societal standards in an effort to get by? It is time to do things differently because enough is enough.

Is it time for society to change?

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I’m going to ask you to think back to when you started working at a new job. Think about your excitement of your first day as you happily met everyone as the supervisor introduced you to your co-workers. Things are going well, you are happy at the organization but as you get comfortable in your new environment, you notice certain tasks being done completely inefficiently and you even overhear other employees complaining about how inconvenient and useless the entire process was. You think to yourself, why don’t they do things differently? In fact, you can think of a myriad of better ways the task can be handled and you wonder if no one else has thought of these options before. You approach your supervisor expressing your concerns and ways you think things can be done better and you get the dreaded, “This is the way it’s always been done.” And with a shrug of the shoulders the supervisor walks away.

Think of how you felt when you heard that phrase. The frustration at why no one wanted to put in the effort to make a change that so many others agreed was past due. What if you tried to there and make the changes on your own only to be met with the direction from management to reel it back. Would you decide to give up and go with the flow or do you wait until the final straw and quit? What then? Nothing changes, the organization stays the same, the people are still frustrated and everyone continues with the status quo.

Now apply this scenario to society. How many people think it is time for a change? How many people can see the many ways things can be done differently, or better and wonder who is going to step up? This is not an opportunity to wag a finger in the face of anyone but to invite everyone to stop and think about why are we continuing to do things the way they’ve been done for so many years, particularly when it isn’t working?

Why create a system that intentionally contributes to the deterioration of the environment, perpetuating hate, and fostering individualism to the detriment of care for the less fortunate? Forcing people to robotic lives that offer no personal fulfillment but is wrought with societal rules and standards. Criminalizing the mentally ill, poor, and any group deemed as an other by society. Education systems that are biased and inequitable and deliberate attempts to marginalize certain groups of society has caused many people to wonder, why are we not doing things differently, why not change?

Why not consider the ideas of the “radical” individual that is screaming that we are doing it all wrong? I think at this point, most people can acknowledge that what is going on in so many areas of our society is not working. I’m sure just as many people can think of at least two ways things can be done differently, but it seems as if many people in society have become that frustrated new employee. If that is you, can you identify where you would be if you were the new employee? Would you be ready to go out and make your own change, are you giving up and prepared to go along to get along, or are you ready to quit the whole thing and start new somewhere else?

If more people consider that collectively change can happen but the key is collectively. More people need to decide that enough is enough and things need and should be done differently. Start with you. Do your best to do things differently in your life everyday. Inspire those around you to do the same. If you have a way to help someone, do it, and someone else can/should help you. Don’t quit. Don’t give in. The answer can no longer be, “This is how its always been done.”

Peace and blessings.

Therapy is a beautiful thing

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For those who know the benefits of therapy, you already know, but for those who don’t, hopefully this will give you a little perspective and something to consider. When I began a master’s in counseling psychology program, one of the graduation requirements is that you engage in at least 24 hours of your own personal psychotherapy. I thought this was a great requirement since I’d never attended my own personal therapy and had been wanting to start for quite some time. I think I considered therapy the same way a lot of people who have never actually been to therapy think, “Therapy is for people with REAL problems” or “Therapy is too expensive”. I did not know the depth of awareness I was able to achieve by dedicating a fifty (50) minute hour to self-healing.

What is actually so beautiful about therapy? I think the most beautiful gift is clarity. Clarity on anything you may be confused about in your life. Clarity on where you’ve been and hopefully where you are going. You truly get what you put into it and the more you bring of yourself, the more you get out of the process. Patterns repeat themselves in your life, particularly when you are not aware there is a pattern to be found. Therapy can help reveal those patterns in your life and if the pattern is harmful, you can get help from a professional in how you can change that pattern. Revealing the pattern can be therapeutic and help you move your life in the direction you want.

Do you think your problems are not big enough for therapy? If that is what you think, think again. You can go to therapy for anything you want to address in your life. Don’t ever think you are not deserving of a safe space because you are discounting your pain. Everyone’s journey through life is different and having a licensed professional with you shining the light ahead so you can see your way is no different than you providing that same light for someone else. Darkness is darkness and if you are feeling like you are in a dark place, the light or clarity provided by a therapist is just as important whether you are battling suicidal thoughts or having difficulty navigating the relationships in your life. Therapy is for everyone.

Another beautiful thing about therapy is the freedom to speak confidentially. Do you know how many people hold things in simply because they don’t trust anyone to talk to? In your therapist, you have a confidante (providing you don’t say something with the intention of harming yourself or someone else) and someone who will listen to you without judgment. How refreshing does that sound? That you can release your inner most thoughts, beliefs, and feelings and your words will never leave the comfort of the safe space you’ve helped to create between you and your therapist? Confidentiality is so important, especially when you are being vulnerable.

For those people who never seem to take time out to do something solely for themselves, consistently committing to therapy is a form of self-care. Although you are doing work and going through intense emotions, this is your time. I know people who think of everything they need to take care of before they take care of themselves. If you are a parent, that most likely, is compounded. This is time dedicated solely for the benefit of you so relax and take advantage of every minute. The entire time is about you. You control your session, you determine what you do or do not want to discuss. This time is truly all about you.

I can go on, but overall, therapy is for you. A safe space is essential for everyone, particularly right now. There are so many events that seem to take place on a daily basis that can take a toll on your emotions. People are angry, sad, confused, unhappy, and any other emotion you can think. In a world that seems to be falling apart at the seams, therapy is an opportunity to tighten the seams, at least until your next appointment, until one day you are able to sew and repair your own loose seams all by yourself.

Generational Curse or Changing the Pattern?

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I’ve often heard the phrase, “breaking a/the generational curse(s)” and it makes me think about how the language around this phrase should be changed. Why should it change or even matter to anyone? Well, I think that your words have power and if you give power to negativity, then what else is there for you to manifest? Why is it even called a generational curse? What is a generational curse?

A generational curse is something [I would imagine negative] that has been passed down from generation to generation. I’ve often heard to it referred to some bad trait or habit that multiple generations of people in a family have suffered through and (apparently) no one has been able to stop from happening. I’ve heard this in reference to all sorts of things like women in a family becoming pregnant in their teens, even going to jail. These among a litany of others are what I’ve heard being referred to as a generational curse. I think one of the first things one can do is acknowledge the behavior(s) or action(s) you want to change.

The next step is to make intentional efforts to do something different. It can be that simple. Each day be intentional about what you do, particularly if the pattern is something you want to change. Be kind to yourself and watch the language you use.

Words have power and you have to mindful of what you give your power to. Saying you are setting out to break a generational curse sounds like a daunting task and for some people, it can be too much to handle. You want to position yourself for success, not going out to slay a dragon. It is a pattern that you do not like and you’re taking steps to change it. I’m sure that sounds differently than breaking a generational curse. Anyone can change a pattern right?

The point is you want to be successful. You want this to work, so set yourself up for success. Change that pattern, take steps to move yourself in the direction you want to go everyday and before you know it, you’ll get there. Be consistent and continue to do it even when its hard and you don’t want to. In fact, lean in more during the times you feel hit the hardest. When you come out on the other side, you’ll be amazed at what you were able to accomplish.

Doing all these things like being kind to yourself, being consistent, changing your language are all tools to get you to your destination. You can do this with anything, not just changing familial patterns. Maybe you want to lose weight, start a business, or start a new career. All these things require the same recipe; changing your language, being kind to yourself, taking intentional steps to do something different, and consistency. Life if challenging enough, so to the extent you can do things to make tackling each day a bit easier for yourself do it because the goal is to accomplish your dreams, not struggle to reach them.

Consistency is Key!

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Have you ever heard the phrase, “Anything worth having is something you gotta work for”? I can hear that phrase repeating itself at various points in my life, particularly when the road got its roughest. I think this mantra is designed to motivate the repeater that better days are coming as long as they keep working at it [the goal] and remain consistent.

I think the difficulty with consistency is that you have to keep doing something even when you don’t see the results. The idea is that the end of the process, the individual would have achieved whatever they were working towards but what do you do when you are on the journey? When you haven’t quite reached that “final destination”. The journey is the consistency.

The journey is continuing to write when on average, only a handful of people are going to read it. The journey is practicing even when you aren’t a starter on the team. The journey is continuing to work a 9 – 5 job while you finance your dreams in the hope of something better. Continuing to work towards those goals consistently is the journey and that is the road you must travel to reach your goal or whatever that thing is that you’ve been working towards.

Don’t skip the journey. Don’t rush through it because you think the prize is at the end. The prize is the journey. The things you learned along the way, the lessons, the letdowns, the people you’ll meet, the celebrations are all part of the journey and part of what you will experience as you work hard. Think about it. Once you’ve reached the goal, essentially, you’re done right? You get to kick back and enjoy what you worked so hard for. You get to relax. Enjoy all the excitement that comes along the way. All those things are meant to prepare you for whatever comes next and you can master it all with consistency.

Consistency can be the grunt work, but it is necessary work to get you to the next level. Each notch you get closer towards your goal is due to you committing to your own success. Each notch is you choosing to put your personal happiness first because you are working towards something that you want and isn’t that a wonderful feeling to have? There are so many ways that life can rob you of happiness so you have to be committed to creating your happiness everyday. Be bold, be yourself, be happy, be consistent.

What can you learn from a good therapist?

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What do you think when you hear the word therapy? Is it something you’ve tried before? Is it something you want to try but you haven’t checked this off your to-do list? For some people there is an aversion to therapy but not because of a bad experience with a therapist, but because of a fear of the unknown. If you’re one of those people who have not yet tried therapy because for whatever reason, you’ve scared yourself from giving it a try, hopefully, I can enlighten and excite you about the benefits of therapy with a good therapist.

Let’s start off with the understanding that all therapists are not created equal. Some folks have to find the right therapist through trial and error, while others can find someone they work well with on the first try. Be mindful that you have to be open to this experience and it may not be a good fit with the first therapist you try but try again. How do you find a good therapist?

There is no one size fits all in terms of how to pick a therapist but some good things to look for are what is the therapists’ specialty? Or do they even have a specialty? Are you looking for someone who has experience in working with people of different ethnic or religious groups? Or maybe you aren’t religious at all? Looking for someone who has experience working with the LGBTQ community? Do you want your therapist to be part of the LGBTQ community? There are so many filters you can apply when looking for a therapist. Don’t be overwhelmed and start generic and maybe narrow things down as you continue your search.

Once you’ve actually decided on a therapist and you are actively going, what can they do to benefit your life? Well, one of the most beneficial factors to consider is you have the opportunity to speak with someone who is essentially sworn to secrecy, (providing you don’t confess you want to harm yourself or someone else). You have the freedom of being completely honest with yourself and your life experiences without worrying if the person you are venting to will go and tell the world once your conversation is over.

Another benefit is gaining insight into your individual thoughts and patterns from an objective perspective. Have you ever vented to a family member or friend and wondered if their opinion was objective advice or a regurgitation of whatever preconceived notions they may have already had about you or a particular situation you are describing? You can eliminate that guesswork when you engage in a therapeutic relationship. Imagine a licensed professional here to give you their opinion on whatever may be going on in your life, or give you a different perspective you may have never considered.

You can completely change your life, your perspective, and anything else you can imagine with the help of a therapist. Trying to understand why you always end up in the same type of relationship? Wondering about your relationship with certain family members or friends? Unresolved issues from your childhood? Or are you just looking for someone to talk to? All of these things and everything in between can be addressed with the assistance of a therapist. So if you’ve been considering going to a therapist, use this as another helpful push in that direction.

What are your thoughts? Have you thought about therapy but haven’t yet gone? What was stopping you? Did your opinion change after reading this? Interested to hear your thoughts, otherwise, go forth, work out your issues, and live life to the fullest!

Family is what you make it

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Family. What does that word mean to you? Does family consist of the people you are related to? Does your familial circle include close friends? What about co-workers or others that you have a close relationship? How do you define your family? How does your family treat you? Are they loving? Do they support you? Are they sincere?

Have you ever felt hurt or betrayed by the acts of a family member? Have you ever thought, ‘We’re family, why would this person do or say that to me’? Have you put aside relationships with others like close friends or relationships based on your loyalty to your family only to be let down later? Have you felt taken advantage of or taken for granted by family, yet you remain based on your loyalty that has not been reciprocated to you?

Sometimes people get hurt because their relatives may not always act like family and when that happens, an individual can become conflicted and oftentimes hurt by the feeling of rejection from people they thought were supposed to love them unconditionally simply because they are family. If you’ve ever experienced this what do you do with those feelings? How do you resolve that relationship or does the relationship get resolved? Do you simply move on, now left to deal with your feelings of inadequacy all alone?

What if you didn’t have to deal with any of that? What if you realized you do not have to be in relationship with everyone in your family? What if you set boundaries for yourself that if you are not respected in any relationship, including family, that you no longer engage with that individual? What if you stood up for yourself and looked around at the “family” you have with the people who are in your life in ways outside of the traditional family structure?

Think about that good friend, who is always just a phone call away. That person who will listen to your fears and frustrations with a sympathetic ear. That person who affirms for you on a regular basis how wonderful, loving, kind, generous, and genuine you are. What if they tell you how great of a friend you are to them and that they are grateful to have you in their lives? Those people are out there. Those people that encourage your entrepreneurial spirit, career goals, educational accomplishments, and natural talents. I would challenge you to consider that those people are your family.

Think about it. Those wonderful, kind, thoughtful, and generous things you do for your family, you most likely do with other people in your life and they see it and they appreciate it. Even if you don’t necessarily “do” anything for them monetarily, but you are a good friend and they see and appreciate that. If you are a good person, you are a good person all the time there are people out there that appreciate you and they may not be a relative.

I challenge you to think about how those people pour love into your life and make sure you appreciate them. Do not put them to the back burner for someone who is a relative, particularly if they do not pour into you are you pour into them. Call those friends or send an unexpected text letting them know that you appreciate their presence in your life. Develop those relationships and distance yourself from negativity and abuse, even if they are relatives. All relatives, aren’t family and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can get to healthy relationships and the happiness we all deserve.

I’d love to hear your thoughts? Have you ever experienced a challenging relationship with a relative? How did you navigate that? Are you still in communication? Peace and happiness.

How are you inventing your life today?

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The start of a new week means different things depending on your perspective. Some people start their Monday dreading going to work, unhappy with where they may be in life, and unmotivated. Another way to start the week is to look at the opportunities to change your life for the better or be appreciative of how well things are going and excitement for what may be to come. Regardless of your perspective, each day you have a chance to reinvent your life.

In the past, I would dread Mondays by Sunday night. I would think how much I didn’t feel like going to work and fantasize of my dream career. When I thought this way, my life seemed to be stuck in a rut. It was an endless cycle of uninspired frustration with no end in sight. How could I shift my mindset? How could I be inspired and happy about the start of the week as opposed to depressed about going to work in the morning?

One way to shift your mindset is to occupy your mind. Get your mind busy and focused on your own personal goals that you don’t have time to be upset about the things you may not like in your life. Start to identify the accomplishments that make your heart smile. Think about what you really want to do and start planning on how you’re going to get there. When you get busy on your goals, your mindset no longer has time to be negative because you will be working towards your goals.

Another way to shift your mindset is to take on a mindset of gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for and the more you practice thinking about the things that are going well in your life, you have less time to think about the things you don’t like. Also, focusing on gratitude sends vibrations to the universe that you like the good things and you want to keep those coming. You want to continue to feel those gracious moments and you appreciate what is going well. Again, maintaining this mindset helps you not only change your mindset but also put you on the path to reinventing your life. Hopefully, you are starting to see the pattern here. First step to reinventing your life is to change your mindset, identify goals, get a plan in place to achieve those goals and finally, get to work. Doing all these things helps you reinvent your life. It will start you on a path to happiness because you will be pursuing your goals. It is not easy but it is a journey. Remember to enjoy the journey along the way because happiness is a choice, not an automatic occurrence.

Manifest the life you want to live!

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I use Sundays as a time for reflection. It is an opportunity to think on the prior week and plan for the upcoming week. The prior week can seem like a blur. There can be a lot to absorb and distract you from your personal goals. Your emotions may have been pulled in so many different directions. Anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, or at this point, detachment. No matter the emotion it is exhausting to manage the cycle our body goes through with each emotion felt. Due to the recent challenges I think we’ve all experienced in some way, I challenge you once more to something that is in your best interest.

I challenge you to think about the direction your life is headed. Is this the direction you planned? Has your life veered off in some way that is now foreign to you? Are you truly living the life you want to live? Some of the things people most desire to have, or to improve in their life are money, a loving relationship, a successful job, great health, nice house, and a new car. Most people just dream about these things, but never actually obtain them. What people don’t realize is that all of these things can be theirs through the power of manifestation.

Manifesting ones desires is a science. There are laws that govern the process of materializing wishes seemingly out of nothing. Once these laws are complied with, anyone can make their dreams a reality. This may seem very unbelievable to some, but the truth is it’s very real. Believe that you deserve it and then work towards what you believe. You’ll be surprised at the way the universe responds to what you put out there. You’ll also be surprised at the way distracting yourself with more positive thoughts will change your outlook on life.

The Law of Abundance- Everything you desire begins in your mind and it is the mind that brings these thoughts to life. Your outer state of being is the manifestation of your thought. Therefore, to obtain the things you desire, you have to first set your mind to it. Vital self-empowerment skills will help you mentally transform a thought into a material manifestation. You will learn how to change your expectations in order to change your life. We live in a Universe of abundance, although most others appear to view it as a Universe of scarcity. Thoughts such as others are more talented, more deserving, and more gifted than you only hinder you from living abundantly. If you are possess these same thoughts, don’t worry, there is hope for you! You can learn skills to activate self-actualizing power through these Laws to live with wealth, financial freedom, and success.

Abundance does not mean mere accumulation of material wealth. Happiness, peace of mind, harmony, optimal health, being in loving relationships, and having a strong sense of your True Self are also part of this universal abundance. This abundance comes into a person’s life only when he facilitates its free flow from him and through him. There are also other ways to increase abundance in your life. Add time to your day, simplify, or make a difference in the world.  For example, volunteer work and meditation are good ways to increase abundance. Be more open-minded and open to new possibilities. Try to only surround yourself with positive influences such as people and things.

Take control of your thoughts and start manifesting your desires today!